July Blog
I THOUGHT I WAS READY
Hi, I’m Mary Beth, and I’m Linda, and we are the Co-Directors of The Widows Project. Welcome to my backyard! So here we are, sitting by the pond, talking about the subject, “I thought I was ready!”
Sometimes the loss of a loved one is very sudden and shocking. But other times, we have some warning, and we think we might be somewhat prepared. As we have talked with people on this grief journey, we have found that there are certain things you can do ahead of time—we call that preparatory grief. Some people go through a checklist of their plans, such as funeral arrangements, writing a will, and having a power of attorney. People will address all those issues. But what we’re talking about is the actual grief involved, even when you have known for some time that your loved one’s passing is coming.
Certainly, it does help the heart to have something of a “dress rehearsal” for what may be coming up. It’s good to think it through. If you are caregiving for a person whose health is declining, certainly this is on your mind daily.
We’ve talked to some people who have lost their spouses. One woman who knew her husband’s decline was imminent was afraid to leave him alone, for a couple of years. Even when he ran errands, she would come alongside, just in case. Her main regret is that she didn’t take more time just to enjoy what time they did have left.
Another woman said she was pretty much in denial, even though three months before, her husband had told her, “I really don’t think I have long to live”. He was continuing his practice at work. He wanted to stop because it was too tiring for him. But she just didn’t understand why he would say that. Even though it was anticipated, her brain would not allow her to take it in. As it turned out, he passed away from complications with Covid, so that cut short the anticipated time she thought she would have with him.
I remember when my dad called me as he was coming up on his 80th birthday. He said, “You know, Mary Beth, the Bible says we have three score and ten years or 80, by reason of strength.” He was dealing with some illnesses at that time, but I said, “I don’t even want to talk about it!” I was a lot younger then! I said, “Dad, you’re going to live to be 100. I don’t want to hear it!”
But you know what? He passed away three weeks after his 80th birthday. Looking back, I can see that he wanted to talk about this with me.
So, one of the things we can do with our loved ones who are facing a long-term illness like this is to talk with them about their emotions and our emotions. Bob and I never did this. His illness was surprising, and three months later he was gone. But before this, we would never talk about it. We would look at each other and say, “Honey, I just don’t know what I would do without you.” And the other person would say, “I don’t either,” and just change the subject. So, we never had these discussions. I do think it would have been better for us if we had.
What was your experience, Linda? I know you had some preparation.
Linda: We did. Kirby was diagnosed with CLL (Leukemia) in 2010, so we were anticipating that I would outlive him. We did not have any idea how long he would live because Leukemia can be anything, especially chronic.
So, we talked about it a little bit. We did some traveling, but I was surprised, in the end, that it came so soon.
Mary Beth: How long was it between his diagnosis and his passing?
Linda: Two and a half years. And we made it through one bout of chemo. And he got better again. He was actually to the oncologist at the end of February. He got sick the end of March and died April 16. So, he didn’t live as long as the oncologist said he would live, either.
But nothing can prepare you for watching your husband take his last breath, or his memorial service, or going home to an empty house.
Mary Beth: You know, I had a friend whose adult son was in his 50’s when he passed away. He knew his time was short. I think he lived 18 months past his diagnosis. But he did some preparatory grieving, I think, in a really delightful way. He was a hunter. He went out and hunted as long as he had the strength to do it. One day while he was up on the mountaintop, he made a video to say, “I love you” to all his family and friends.
This video was shown at his memorial, so he said, “If you’re watching this video, I’m not here.” He talked about his emotions. He talked about Jesus and said, “I want all of you to see me again in Heaven someday.”
I found this very comforting. He was actually hopeful about his future in Heaven with Christ. So, it was a lovely, caring gesture for those left behind.
Linda: My dad wrote us a letter which started off, “Dear family, if you’re reading this letter, I’m not here.” Kind of an odd way to start a letter, but it’s true.
Mary Beth: So, there are ways that we can help our loved ones who are left behind, because, when we go to Heaven, we are just fine. In fact, we are better than fine!
Linda: Oh, yeah. It’s those of us who are left behind that are not so fine. In the end, grief surprises us. We never know when the end will come. It keeps surprising us, really. Nothing can fully prepare us for losing a loved one.
Mary Beth: You know, as you say that I can remember folks telling me, “I just knew. Something inside me said, ‘Their time is short’”. Some would call it a premonition; others would call it a word of knowledge or something in their spirit just let them know.
Those are things that are very comforting. We can look back and see signs that we were not open to at the time. But whether we have opportunity for preparatory grief or not, Jesus is with us when we walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. He will never leave us or forsake us.
God bless you!
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